First off, I just want to say that I feel a little bit hypocritical saying this. Since I started this blog, some two, two-and-a-half years ago, I have always said that no matter where you are, you can be a missionary, that you can do outreach, that you can be a light. I'm not here to say that I'm going against my word.
What I am saying is just because you believe something doesn't always mean that you feel it.
It's May 26th. A year ago tomorrow, I would have been in the Omaha airport, preparing to take off for my second trip to Russia and the Baltic States. Two years ago today, I would have been five days into my first trip over there.
Today, one of my best friends left for London. Another friend of mine is with her college choir traveling across Estonia and Lativa, soon to be Lithuania and Russia. Natalie, a girl who went with me on my first trip, is posting pictures from her excursions on her current mission trip.
And here I am, in Nebraska.
Visited my mom at camp this weekend, since I had a three day weekend. Was walking around with a friend of mine, someone who has grown from one of my campers in the past, when I was a staff member at this camp, to a junior counselor, to being on staff. Today, as we were in Wal-Mart and she was asking me all these questions about being a staff member, she turns to me and says "Steph, when are you coming back to camp? I mean, to stay?" Not the first time the thought of returning to camp full-time has occurred to me. I mean, I'm not leaving the country this summer. I could have come back to what used to be my second home, my favorite place on earth, my mission field of choice (as though we get to choose where our mission fields are...) before Russia.
But I'm not coming back to camp. I'm in Seward working for the summer.
Just got off of a very nice, long Skype date with my boyfriend. Haven't seen him since May 11, won't get to see him until June 6, and that visit is looking more and more brief as our scheduling continues. We've been in a long-distance relationship since January, and it's not going to be a small-distance relationship for at least seven months, potentially a year+. I miss him terribly, and our time together requires careful planning, travel expenses, and taking precious time off of work and out of paycheck.
Seeing someone I love and spending time with him has suddenly become an achievement, not an every day joy, because I'm in Nebraska and he's in Missouri.
The last time we were together, we took our sisters to see Wicked. We ended up getting stuck in Lincoln on the way home because of very very bad weather, and we spent hours trying to decide what our safest options were, because we were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I'm not necessarily in the wrong time now - when it comes to serving others, to loving God with actions and service, there's no wrong time. And in all reality, there's no wrong place.
But I'm stuck in one of those ruts - it's not a deep one, but it seems to be a fairly long one, almost like a ditch that I'll have to walk in for a while before I find a decent way up to the easy road. It seems very easy to point to different places on a map, or different faces in my heart, and say "There. That's where I need to be," or "That's who I need to be with."
I'm finding these thoughts to be dangerous temptations and distractions. I'm tempted to think that because I'm not in a certain place or with certain people that I am useless, or that my work is meaningless, and I am gently reminded by our loving Savior that this is very much not the case.
I'm not in Russia, I'm here in Nebraska. And do you know what I'm doing because I'm staying in the States? I get to help out with RFKC again this year, something that conflicted timing wise with my mission trip last year. Because I'm in Nebraska right now, I get to share God's love with children who have never known any sort of love from anyone. That's what I get to do because I'm in the "wrong place."
I'm not working at camp this summer, I'm working at my school, serving people in various capacities that I never expected to enjoy. I get to prepare the dorms, the living spaces, for students who are coming to the school perhaps for their first time. I get the opportunity to make school feel like home to them, to create a clean, welcoming environment that will make them feel safe and comfortable. I also have been blessed with the opportunity to prepare and upkeep one of our dormitory buildings for service men and women who are working in the tornado-damaged areas nearby. I may never meet them and get to thank them for their services, but I get to make sure that while they're in Nebraska, they come back from a hard day's work to a comfortable, clean living space. That's what I get to do because I'm in the "wrong place."
I don't get to see my boyfriend every day. But I do get the opportunity to experience what a distance relationship is like, and I'm convinced that this will someday be something that I can look back on and be able to connect to someone else with because I've been through this experience. He and I are also learning more about God's love, and His constant presence, something that I'm always grateful for when I'm away from people I love - I know I can always count on my Heavenly Father to be constantly present both for me and for those who I'm missing. That's what I'm learning because I'm in the "wrong place."
Satan is the father of lies, and I do not hesitate to use that title now. He uses my doubts, my fears, my worries, my moments of sorrow to convince me that I'm in the wrong place, that I can't really glorify God or rejoice in His daily gifts because I'm in the "wrong place."
Tonight, I rejoice in the loving kindness and love of my Savior who pulls me close to His side and reminds me that none of these things are true and that, when it comes to service in His Kingdom, there's absolutely no such thing as a wrong place.
Goodnight, friends. God bless you, be you in the "right" or "wrong" place.
